Diamond Lures
Is my poem melodramatic and lame or really good? I need honest feedback for revision.?
untitled
How long will I stay latched to the lactating tit of industry?
painting houses on crooked aluminum ladders
pinging a nail gun to molding like a carnival worker who lures passerby’s
by constantly throwing darts at a prize board.
The magic of the game is gone for me.
The industrial food pyramid has nourished
back pain
elbow pops
arthritic toes
I want to feed myself from art
let my poems bring either
diamonds or bone dust?
“lactating tit of industry” – please do not change this, it’s a brilliant metaphor.
Agree, replace “carnival worker” with Barker or perhaps “fetid barker” just to add to the image.
The only other thing I would review is the last line. Perhaps:
“diamonds or disgrace.”
I would lose the question mark as it ends the poem on a rise rather than a fall and struggles against the mood and message.
Hanapaa Lures “Blue Diamond Lure” for Ahi.
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Hawaiian 2-Tone 14k Gold .30ct Diamond Ahi Lure Pendant $2,300.00 |
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VINTAGE DIAMOND RATTLER LURES (30) $150.00 |
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60187 Led OPEN Jewelry Diamond Shop Lure 24″x12″ $39.99 |
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4-9ozFlutter Diamond Vertical Jigs,Saltwater Lures,Stripers,Muskie,Pike,Grouper $18.99 |
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2.45 Five of Diamonds Casting Spoon Fishing Lure for Northern Pike, Salmon, Walleye, and Largemouth Bass $1.99 This lure is custom designed for Northern Pike, Walleye, Large Trout, Largemouth Bass, and Salmon… |
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3 Five of Diamonds Trolling Spoon Fishing Lure for Northern Pike, Salmon, Walleye, and Largemouth Bass $1.99 This lure is custom designed for Northern Pike, Walleye, Large Trout, Largemouth Bass, and Salmon… |
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Rod Building Guide: Fly, Spinning, Casting, Trolling $9.25 … |
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Fishing Diamond Jigs and Bucktails: How to Fish the World’s Most Versatile Saltwater Lures $12.16 Diamond jigs and bucktails are two of the most effective lures used by East Coast saltwater boat fishermen. This is the first book to detail the many subtleties of fishing these lures for a wide range of saltwater gamefish. EVERY saltwater boat fishermen has these lures on board…. |
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Lure Of The Merman (Legends Unleashed Vol.6) $1.99 Bree is changing, and it all started after that strange encounter with the man at the beach. Seeing Sandy again would be a mistake but he’s gotten under her skin. Bree should have listened to her instincts because she’s now heart-broken and horrified by her new fishtail. Unfortunately, the only source for revenge may be even deadlier than Sandy…. |
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Strike King Mini-King Spinnerbait – Single Colorado Diamond Blade The Strike King Mini-King features premium components including a single Colorado Diamond Blade, Diamond Dust head and Diamond Dust Silicone skirt…. |
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Original Dardevle Spoons (Yellow/Red Diamonds, 1 oz.) $6.55 The classic Dardevle Spoon remains the one of the most popular and among the most effective all-around fishing lures on the market today. Cast or trolled, this spoon sports a unique wiggling-and-wobbling action that is absolutely irresistible to pike, walleye, bass, and all hungry other game fish species…. |